Forward

Fear rises

Linked to the unknown

The unseen

The unfelt

As I caress this tiny babe’s head

With caution and care

I may mess up

Can I go back?

Back to the way it was before

But then I remember

The hurt and pain

Of before.

Confusion as one thing

Did not work

One after another

After another

Years of trying and succeeding

Led to years of

Trying and failing

As the babe grew

Things became more confusing

Until it died

With the advice

Go back to school

Learn some more

You aren’t ready

Even though time had proven

That I was.

That babe died from

Meddling voices who

Did not know

What went into

The creation and the care

And the person who listened

To those voices

Who hastened the death

With doubt.

Now years later

Another struggles to come forth

And the pain of

That first death

Haunts me.

What if I’m

Not ready

Not able

Not enough

To nurture this babe

Bring it to life.

Still living in the world

Of the dead

I see it all around me

It judges me daily

“You were not enough;

What makes you think

You are enough now?”

And the doubt creeps in

Moving like a demon

I perceive it

Holding me back from

Moving toward life

When in reality

The demon is powerless

Unless I give it power

There are no chains

No dungeons

No wrecking balls

Unless I place them

In his hand.

I feel torn

Beautiful babe on one side

Dark demon on the other

I know what each one

Wants and needs

To grow.

The demon calls me

“Murderer”

Taunting me

Even as I look on this new babe

Fresh and bright

Looking back at me

Trust in her eyes

The bluest of blue

With reddish-orange hair

The elements needed

To grow.

As she looks at me and smiles

I hear the universe say

“Trust yourself,

For this babe trusts you

This babe I gave you

Just like the other.

But you did not trust me

When you had the other

You let the demon in.

But it is a new day

A new beginning

And you are a new person.

Time to change out of the

Mourning clothes

Time to step into the

Brightness of the future.

Let go of what was

Embrace what is

And move forward with life

By nourishing the life of this babe.”

And I move forward

Peeling away the

Dark dirty rags of the past

Until I am naked

Vulnerable

And I clothe myself

In the brightness of the future.

The babe looks at me and laughs

While the demon shields his eyes

His mind working on

Another way through

And I say “Not today.

Just for today, it is me

And the babe

Moving forward

Step by step

Inch by inch

And even if you bring your

Strongest army against me

I will still move forward.”